She's Winning

It's been a week since we rushed to the emergency vet with the most loving, loyal, furry friend we could ever have.  I've known we were nearing the end of his life for some time.  I spent a lot of time worrying about it over the last few months.  Would I be strong enough to let him go when the time came?  He had a progressive heart disease so I had talked to the vet about what to look out for many times and had read the same articles on the internet over and over again.  I knew his life was getting harder and I had whispered to him that if he needed to let go, it was ok.  I didn't want him to be in pain.  I would miss him terribly but I would be ok. Now I'm struggling to hold up my end of that bargain.  I really want to be ok but there is no quick fix to make this pain go away. In the end things went down hill very abruptly and quickly that night and the decision to make him comfortable was not hard.  We were told this was the end and we...

I am 22 days and 7 hours from moving across the country (from Arizona to Illinois) with my hubby, three kids and our dog.  Our house is currently covered in boxes.  Our kids have so many questions.  I'm happy one minute...  stressed the next...  and sad 2 hours later!  It's really such a roller coaster of emotions. Change is nothing new to me, my husband or our kids for that matter.  We've moved and changed jobs or situations more than most.  In fact I'd say I actually thrive on change and get bored rather quickly.  At work, I focus on website optimization which means I'm constantly trying to improve the areas of the site I've been assigned.  We try new things.  We learn from them.  Repeat.  I think I've been happy in this type of role for so long because it really is a journey, not a destination.  There's no end point.  There are wins and losses along the way.  But no matter how much optimization we do ...

5 and 1/2 years ago I gave birth to the most handsome baby boy.  My life was forever changed.  He taught me how to be a mom as first babies do.  And with each new milestone he faces, we learn together.   I try to put on my confident, strong mommy face and pretend like I know what I'm doing though I'm usually freaking out on the inside.  That's what we do with our first kiddos, right?  Good or bad they will forever have an inexperienced mommy with each first. Today was one of those big new milestones for both of us - the first day of Kindergarten.  We've spent the summer working up to today.  My son has been full of excitement and questions.  We made a countdown chain as he could barely stand the wait these last few weeks leading up to this big day.  For me it has been all about reading and re-reading every document or email received from the school.  Checking and re-checking that we have all of the supplies and they are labele...

I set my alarm for 5am, the alarm I hadn't set in 2 years.  I have 3 kids and as a stay at home mom I could always count on one of them to make sure I was up.  But today I needed to make sure I was awake even before my kids.  I had so many things to do and such little time to get them all done because today was my big day - the day that I would re-enter the workforce... I looked at the checklist for the morning and got to work: clean the floor clean the bathrooms pick up the poop in the backyard shower/get ready cut up fruit for the kids to have with lunch get the kids fed and dressed for the day print out the instructions for the nanny (even though I had sent her the doc days in advance) bring I9 docs for orientation don't forget to eat breakfast don't forget to tell the nanny about how Rocky sometimes gets stuck in the baby room and wakes her up, how the boys can play with the hose in the yard but they forget to turn ...

Though I didn't get the best night of sleep last night, I am feeling quite energized today.  Perhaps it is from all of the coffee I drank.  Or could it be because it's International Women's Day and I've been reading uplifting quotes all morning!  For me, today is not going to be about going to any events or doing anything extravagant.  That's not really where I'm at in my life.  In all honestly, I'm still in my PJs and glasses sitting with my kiddos, my coffee and my laptop.  The view from here is pretty darn good though.  For me today will be about celebrating the women around me and taking a look in the mirror to determine what I can be doing better to demonstrate my own strength for the little girl watching me. This morning I've been thinking about my grandmothers, my mother, my mother-in-law, my sisters, my sister-in-laws, aunts, cousins and girlfriends.  I have truly been surrounded by amazing women that have set wonderfu...

Hard, it’s really really HARD. It’s pulling my hair up, drinking coffee & pushing through sleepless nights. It’s multitasking on steroids & never having enough hands. It’s worrying, worrying & worrying some more…  usually at 2am . It’s valuing my mommy friends & our play dates to keep me sane. It’s saying “no” when it would be so much easier to say “yes”. It’s sand in the carpet, dirt on the tile and dents in the furniture. It’s negotiating bites at meals and minutes left at the play place. It’s slowing down the pace so they can “do it by myself”. It’s getting pooped on, puked on and sneezed on. It’s kissing boo boo’s, scrubbing dirty knees & wiping poopy butts. It’s holding sticky little hands to cross the street. It’s finding time for me.   I’m still more than just Mommy. It’s forgiving myself every day for the many mistakes I make & things I could have done better. It’s reminding myself to be a good role model b...

  If I've learned anything about birth plans since becoming a mom it's that the best plan is to NOT have a plan.  With my first son, I walked into labor & delivery on the big day with a detailed written birth plan in hand that basically said I wished to have a completely natural birth.  15 hours later this suddenly seemed like a terrible plan that was not for me.  I asked for the epidural and proceeded to have a beautiful birth experience far different from the one I had planned.  I walked into labor & delivery for the second time 18 months later confident that I knew how it would go this time.  To my surprise after reaching 9cm dilated my cervix started to swell and close likely because of the positioning and size of my son's head.  A c-section became medically necessary and I'm so thankful for modern medicine to help me bring my son into the world.  Though that was far from the plan in my head, I was happy to have a healthy baby boy. ...