An Emotional Journey to Becoming a SAHM

I did it.  I hit “send.”  There it is in black and white in my sent box.  I’ve been planning for this.  I’ve confidently, verbally communicated it to all of the right people over the last two months.  But today, as I’m two weeks out from becoming a stay at home Mom, I had to  submit my formal resignation saying farewell to my corporate life.  While I know this is the right move for me at this point in my life, seeing it in black and white has set off a roller coaster of emotions:

I’m grieving.  I think I’m grieving the loss of a previous version of myself.  Perhaps it is the childless version that felt so passionate about her work.  It was the me that always felt like I had it all together.  And the me that viewed “success” as raises and moving up the ladder at work.

I’m refreshed.  I’m refreshed when I remind myself that the person I’m grieving was the me that hadn’t yet realized that having children would change all this.  This was the me that once believed my happiness depended on my financial success.

I’m sad.  I’m sad to leave my work family.  We spend 40+ hours a week with our co-workers.  And I’ve been fortunate to have some of the best in the world.  The kind that could actually make stressful moments at work turn into laughs.  The kind that challenged me to grow in my career.  And the kind that I didn’t have to compete with because we were a team in every sense of the word.

I’m scared.  I know how to be a Marketing Chick.  I have NO IDEA how to be a stay at home Mom.  I’m going to be with my kids 24/7 now!?!  And there is no doubt these two will be the most demanding bosses I’ve ever had.  I will literally be winging it and trying to learn from the many amazing Moms around me.  I am not patient and yet I realize that patience is one of the number one requirements for this job. What if I lose myself in this?  There’s a lot more to me than my role as a Mom.  This IS scary.

I’m hopeful.  I’m hopeful that this experience makes me a better person, a much more patient person.  I’m hopeful that this time with my children will make a positive impact on them.  And that they will remember it when they are older just like I remember being at home with my Mom.  I’m hopeful that through blogging, I will have “a thing”, something to be passionate about (besides my little ones) that will allow me to use my online marketing skills in a new way.

I’m second-guessing.  What if I just want to believe that I can find happiness in this new life style but its not reality?  What if a month from now my career and my paycheck seem so much more important to me?  What if my kids are better off with the much more qualified teachers and nanny that currently watch them?

I’m excited.  I’m excited for this new challenge.  I’m excited to spend more time with the two little boys that have filled my life with so much happiness.  I’m excited to be a helper at my son’s preschool and to plan play dates with all of the wonderful families around us.  I’m excited to not rush out the door in the morning and storm in after a long day at work at night.  I’m excited to have more bandwidth to give my kids a little more of me.

I’m exhausted.  Thinking about this big life change is mentally exhausting.  I feel like I could sleep for days just recovering from everything that is going on inside my head.  But obviously that is not an option.

I’m realistic.  This isn’t the end of my career.  This is just a break and I have plenty of time to go back to working life in the future.

I’m grateful.  I’m grateful that my boys have given me a new view on my life and what I want out of it.  I’m grateful that my hubby can support our family and is willing to take this heavy burden on himself.  There is no doubt that is a lot of weight to carry on one person’s shoulders.

I’m in good company.  There are SO many Moms that have made this same very tough decision.  And I know a lot them dealt with and continue to deal with this roller coaster of emotions.

I’m watching the Family Man tonight. This is my all time favorite “feel good” movie.  Oh Jack, they already do envy us. (you can see my favorite two clips below)  This movie gets me every time.  While I realize this movie has nothing to do with being a stay at home Mom, it is such a great reminder of the importance of family over money.  Its a reminder that luxury doesn’t equal happiness.  And it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling about my next chapter.

I know my thoughts and emotions are all over the place.  But through the mess of emotions, I know that this IS the right move.  I need this.  My boys need this.  It’s a life experience I refuse to miss out on.  And so there it is.  As final as final can be.  In two weeks I’ll walk out those corporate doors full of emotion and into my next chapter filled with tiny hugs.  And boogers.  And love.  And tantrums.   And simply, life.

I’m happy.