This week will mark the beginning of the third trimester of pregnancy with my third child. My current state of mind can best be described as a cocktail of emotions garnished with pregnancy hormones...
I'm excited. I'm dying to meet my third child! Who is this little person moving around inside of me?! Is it another sweet boy or will this be my first and only girl? What will their personality be like? Will they look like me or my husband or our other kids? What new joys will they bring to our home and what new challenges will they bring to me as a mother? I can hardly wait to find out!
I'm scared. How will I manage three very little kids? Right now there are so many days that I feel like my hands are completely full and I'm pushed to my limit with patience. Do I really have what it takes to care for a baby in addition to these two energetic little boys? I know I'm not the first mom to take on the responsibility of three kids but this certainly is a bit intimidating.
I'm dreaming. I keep picturing all of the precious moments to come. I see myself sitting in the rocking chair with my tiny baby in the early hours of the morning. Everyone else will be sleeping. I'll be exhausted like I was with the others but I hope that I will be able to see through the sleepiness and embrace those sweet baby moments. This will be my last baby and I hope that this time, more than ever, I can enjoy the little things about caring for a baby.
I'm uncomfortable. It's hard to find a comfortable position to relax at this point. When I sit my tailbone starts to hurt and finding a position to fall asleep is always a challenge especially with the amount of times I have to get up to pee now. I don't want to be over dramatic as this is all normal pregnancy stuff, especially with #3, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit there are lots of discomforts at this point.
I'm grateful. Through all of the ups and downs I constantly remind myself that pregnancy is a blessing. This is actually my fourth pregnancy. My first ended in a miscarriage and there is not a day that goes by that I don't keep that in perspective. There are many women out there that are currently struggling to get pregnant and I am extremely fortunate to experience this once again.
I'm overly sensitive. While I've always been a crier, the tears are flowing WAY too easily these days. From commercials and sentimental Facebook posts to my husband not saying things exactly how I want him to, my emotions are getting the best of me. The hardest thing about this is that when it's happening, I'm totally aware that my reaction is over dramatic and yet I still can't stop it. I hate feeling like I'm not completely in control of my emotions. These hormones are getting the best of me. Time for another tissue.
I'm energetic. I'm still getting amazing bursts of energy and that awesome maternal drive to nest. There are days that my husband comes home from work and is in complete shock by what I've accomplished while he was gone. I can't sit still knowing there is so much to do to make everything just right before the arrival of our little one. What if the kitchen cabinets aren't in perfect order before the baby arrive? What ever will we do? It's amusing how I want everything to be just perfect for the baby's arrival and yet this is my third so I'm well aware that those first few months will be full of chaos and none of this will matter.
I'm tired. Those bursts of energy are generally followed by a complete crash from exhaustion. Chasing two little boys all day while carrying a baby is not always as easy as I had imagined. It's not uncommon for me to fall asleep within minutes of putting my boys to bed 8pm. And to think there was a time, long before my kids, where my night was just getting started at that point. Though, for the most part, I'm content with my early nights and early mornings. This is a beautiful phase in my life and everything feels like it is exactly as it should be.
I'm ready to be done. Wait, no I'm not. My thoughts about being pregnant change with the tide at this point. One second, I'm thinking about my old body and how much I just want it back. I don't mind my belly that much, though I do miss sleeping on my stomach. But I'm certainly not loving the thighs and butt that this pregnancy is bringing. I'm trying hard to not focus on the negatives but there are certainly times, like when I'm trying to decide what to wear, that they get the best of me and I start counting down the days until I'm done. Yet an hour later I'll feel the baby moving and I start thinking about how this last trimester is going to fly by too quickly and my last experience with pregnancy will be over with a blink of an eye. It's a little sad to let go of this miraculous point of my life.
I'm happy. My strongest emotion is pure joy. Family is everything and I'm so thrilled to add another little love to our life.
My cocktail of emotions may make me a little nutty these days but I wouldn't trade this for the world. Pregnancy is so much more than just carrying a baby in my belly. It's truly a whole mind and body experience, an experience I will cherish forever.
It is the most powerful creation to have life growing inside of you. There is no bigger gift. ~Beyonce