With that said, I would be lying if I didn't share the fact that I do miss my career at times. Being a stay at home mom is a very selfless and often monotonous lifestyle. I answer "why" at least 100 times a day. I tell my children to stop fighting more times than I can count. And I talk about poop and pee more than I ever thought possible only to do it all again the next day. And beyond the monotony, it can even feel lonely at times because of the lack of adult interaction. I often think about having coffee in the morning with my co-workers and miss that time of socializing, even if it was just for a brief ten minute break. Everything I think about and do now is for my children. And I could easily lose myself in this. It's easy to fall into the SAHM funk.
My husband pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I have been very quite recently. I've been thinking about why that was. "I'm in a funk" is all that I could come up with when he asked. This funk comes from the monotony of my days. It is quite different from my previous working environment constantly full of new projects and challenges to take on. By the end of the day saying the same things over and over, I often feel both mentally and physically exhausted. I reach that point where I just can't bear to tell them to stop jumping off the couch again or break up another fight. And yet the minute they are asleep I miss them like crazy and find myself telling my husband all about the cute things they did that day. I find joy reminiscing all of the wonderful things we did together and regret the moments I felt annoyed. It's crazy how that works. It's the yin and yang of motherhood, I suppose.
This funk certainly doesn't mean that I don't want to be with them every day. I really do. But it's the honest truth that children take so much of us. At work, I was Sue. At home, I'm Mommy. I think I miss a little of Sue. And it's okay that I feel this way. I'm allowed to feel this way. We (SAHMs) are allowed to miss that version of ourselves. It's that very important version of ourselves that doesn't include Mommy. It doesn't change how much we love our children or that we want to be at home with them. It makes us human. It makes us real.
In fact, it might actually be strange if I didn't miss my career at all. I put 13 years of hard work into being a marketing chick and then gave it up cold turkey just 4 short months ago. So I do have moments where I fantasize about sitting quietly at my desk at work and checking things off my list without anyone needing me. But the truth is that the fantasy isn't real. I would have been answering multiple instant messages, trying to keep up with email and actually get something accomplished while staring at the pics of my little guys on my desk. I'm just romanticizing a situation that I made a very conscious decision to change. Had I not made that change there were 100s of precious moments I would have missed over the last 4 months that I absolutely wanted to be here for. I've even read my old posts about how hard it was to be a working mom, as well as, why I made this decision to remind myself that this is the right choice for me. While the days often seem long, I know that these years go by too quickly. The corporate grass may seem greener for moments here and there, but I'm confident the grass right in my own backyard is exactly where I want to be right now.
Dear career, I miss you. But the truth is that I missed my kids more. #sheswinning